Erik's NFL Mocking Draft

Mike Mayock, Pat Kirwan, Erik Sodonis....wait what was that last one? I can't claim to have any sort of draft experience like a Pat Kirwan who actually gets to interview almost all of the potential first rounders, or Mike Mayock whose loveable lisp predicts Mark Sanchez to be the best long term QB in the draft. But what i do have is a little bit of funny in me. Here is how I see the first round panning out.

1. Detroit - Matthew Stafford - QB
I could go many ways with this pick mocking. Theres the obvious "its the detroit lions so obvioulsy hes going to be an epic failure." Or i could go, "he's not even the best QB in the draft." But i think ill go with "name the last good Junior QB whose last name doesnt end in 'oethlisberger' to be drafted in the first round? Stafford = Grossman

2. St Louis Rams - Eugene Monroe - T
Dont give me any of this "same-school" crap. What has Virgnia done lately? Theyre simply drafting Monroe here because hes fat and good at pushing people.

3. Denver Broncos - (From KC) - Mark Sanchez QB
KC will grab denvers 2 first round picks and denver will grab Mark Sanchez. Its amazing to me that guys stock can rise and fall without actually doing anything. Denver will think they have their QB of the future until 1 of 2 things happens: 1) Kyle Orton beats him for a job in training camp 2) the organization's new head coach three years down the road tries to trade him for a career backup who had a decent year.

4. Seattle Seahawks - Steve Largent...er...Michael Crabtree - WR
Im not going to make fun of this pick because he will be playing on my team...Many people have jason smith or eugene monroe at this pick...but you cant pass up a shot at the best skilled player in the draft. Hasselback drops back, looks off Housh, deep bomb to Crabtree....BOOOOOM broken ankle...ok maybe i lied when i said i wouldn't make fun of this pick

5. Cleveland Browns - Aaron Curry - HYBRID
I don't care how good this guy is, hes a defensive player with a (kinda) girls name who went to Wake Forest...clearly a football powerhouse. Either way he'll fit in nicely with clevelands crappy 3-4.

6. Cinncinati Bengals - Andre Smith - T
Clearly Jason Smith is the right choice here but were talking about the Bengals. This team is like a blackhole for guys with attitude issues and Andre Smith will fit in perfectly with his pentiant for showing off his man boobs that make him a good 20 pounds heavier than the other top tackle prospects.

7. Oakland Raiders - Jermey Maclin - WR
They should take Jason Smith here but Al Davis is a moron and is still pissed that seattle took Crabtree so he tries to one up them by taking the 2nd best reciever in the draft. Thats right Al Davis, you have to settle for second best

8. Jacksonville Jaguars - Jason Smith - T
Mad that there are no decent black Qb's in this draft, they settle for who many draft experts agree is the best tackle in the draft. He will be the cornerstone tackle the jags will want to take with them when the franchise relocates to LA.

9. Green Bay Packers - Brian Orakpo - HYBRID
KGB's days are over as a man with an equally stupid name takes his spot on the starting roster.

10. Washington (FROM SF) - Tyson Jackson - DE
Washington trades with SF for a guy with HUGE injury problems. According to NFL.com he left a game agasint the Florida Gators in 2007 after a helmet to helmet collision. Man....such bad injury problems

11. Buffalo - Michael Oher - T
After their big name tackle left town (Peters), the Bills fill his place with 309 pounds of Mississippi (by way of Memphis, Tennessee) goodness. Experts are afraid he wont adjust well to being away from his adopted parents, but the town of Buffalo will provide great short term hospitality until he is fully adopted by the city of Toronto.

12. Kansas City (From Denver) - Everette Brown - DE
GM Scott Pioli could literally draft anybody or anything and it would be an immediate upgrade. Id love to hear "The Kansas City Cheifs select: Edna Pioli - Inside Linebacker - Shady Acres retirement home" Somewhere in the world, Zach Thomas sheds a single tear.

13. SF (From Washington) - BJ Raji - DT
This pick is oh so perfect. Raji will love San Fran's drug culture, and be able to take tips from another Bay Area juicer. Also with a name like BJ in San Fran...oh nevermind.

14. New Orleans - Malcom Jenkins - DB
NFL.com is gold when it comes to scouting. "Can make plays with ball in hands." So basically what New Orleans gets here is a Urologist/Shutdown Corner combo. Also, he has a stupid goatee.

15. Houston - Vontae Davis - CB
Its Houston. Who cares who they draft.

16. San Diego -Rey Maualuga - LB
San Diego won't put any thought into this one since they already had great success with another Hawain linebacker before.

17. New York Jets - Josh Freeman - QB
Rex Ryan will try and get a Flacco 2.0, but Freeman won't ever live up to Jets greats like Favre, Pennington and Clemens. J-E-T-See you on the golf course.

18. Kansas City (From Denver) - Clay Matthews - LB
After passing up on Gm Scott Pioli's grandmother with their first of denver's picks, Kansas goes with Shady Acres all-star backgammon player Hubert Buttonwood. Seriously though, Cushing is the WHITEST guy i have ever seen in my life.

19. Tampa Bay - Peria Jerry - DT
Tampa trades for CB Terence Newman. Seinfeld like hilarity ensues.

20. Detroit - Aaron Maybin - DE
Maybin he will be good, Maybin he will be bad, only time will tell right?

21. Philly - Knowshon Moreno - RB
Will never be as good as Westbrook. Will get into onfield disputes with McNabb about not getting the ball enough. Will be eaten by Andy Reid.

22. Minnesota - Percy Harvin - WR
Harvin's injury report reads like a novel. That coupled with the fact that he is a poor man's Bernard Berrian means Minnesota doesn't get another steal this year.

23. New England - Brian Cushing - LB
Brian won't like New englands surfing scene. Belichick won't like being called dude. Draft fail.

24. Atlanata - Evander "Ziggy" Hood - DT
Atlanta needs to go name crazy after last years crazy name disappointment. C'mon....Matt Ryan? If all goes to plan, Evander will create the "Ziggy bird" dance after allowing 2-3 yard runs.

25. Miami - Kenny Britt - WR
Bill Parcells will bring the tough Jersey kid to the warm shores of Miami Beach. Look for Parcells to go for CB Christopher Moltisanti in the 2nd round, OLB Silvio Dante in the 4th, and LT Tony Soprano in the 6th

26. Baltimore - Darius Heyward- Bey - WR
A dejected Heyward-Bey will never play a game in the NFL after the recession means he has to chose one last name to appear on this jersey. The Heyward-Bey clan is far to proud to accept this request.

27. Indy - James Laurainitis - LB
Colts fans are extatic that they find this guy's Lithuanian successor

28. Buffalo - Michael Johnson - DE
This guy's neck rivals the CN Tower. Perfect for the Bills relocation to the Great White North

29. New York Giants - Brandon Pettigrew - TE
Recent rumours say that talks with WR Braylon "hands of stone" Edwards have failed. New York turns to the draft to find their player to drop catches in double digits. His criminal record is also a plus in the eyes of the Giants brass.

30. Tennessee - Larry English - LB
Some are touting this guy as the next Shawne Merriman. That means he will injure himself roughly once a year, be a bad anchor on an even worse network, and get OWNED by 5'7" runningbacks.

31. Arizona - Chris "Beanie" Wells - RB
Arizona drafts another offensive player to hide how bad Kurt Warner actually is.

32. Pittsburgh - Max Unger - C
This draft gives Big Ben a new bum to touch. Big Ben likes touching bums.